“If you won’t listen, you’ll have to feel it,” my father used to say. For a long time, I thought he meant a good beating when he said “feel it”—something he never actually did, by the way. I didn’t discover the true meaning of this saying until much later, when I learned to listen myself.

You often hear that leaders are poor listeners. That’s unfortunate, because it means they’re missing out on important ideas from within the organization—precisely where Innovation and execution go hand in hand. In fact, when people don’t feel heard, it affects their motivation at work. That’s quite important. Everyone would agree on that. Let’s explore the dynamics that, in practice, may lie behind insufficient listening and the lack of feeling heard.

Cause

It may have to do with the somewhat one-dimensional view of leadership held by some leaders, who focus primarily on providing direction and answers. Listening is seen as a “soft” skill. Some other leaders are so thin-skinned that their fear prevents them from listening further. “They don’t do what I say,” is a common refrain from this type of leader. In such cases, your feedback often comes back to you like a boomerang. Another factor may be that a leader receives so much input that it becomes impossible to please everyone. Without clear feedback—such as “I’ve heard you, and this is what I’ve done with it”—the perception of not being heard can turn into disappointment at not getting what you want. Listening is a complex matter.

Looking at the issue from the sender’s perspective: Are senders clear enough in what they say? Or are they afraid to say what they have to say? That, too, is unfortunate, because as a result, countless leaders are left without proper feedback. They don’t get what they need—what they’re entitled to. Why is it that we don’t always speak our minds clearly? Or do we sometimes even tell leaders what they want to hear? What lies at the root of this: fear for our careers, a desire to please, or social insecurity due to the power dynamic? Or is it that fear of the aforementioned disappointment that holds us back? Ironically, it’s also possible that the leader acts on your input, only for it to turn out to be wrong in hindsight. Then you’ve ended up giving the wrong advice. Giving advice is a complex matter.

Reflection

Listening and communicating are actions within a complex relationship between people, involving the necessary (underlying) mechanisms on both sides. In that relationship, it is the sum of the moments of interaction that collectively build mutual trust. “They don’t listen” and/or “they don’t do what I say” are signs that the relationship lacks the trust that the other person has taken your input into account or is providing clear feedback. That is a sign that reflection is needed—in two steps.

First, reflect on your own motives. Is it really about the organization, or is your own pain or fear secretly pulling the strings? And then, engage in dialogue with the other person; give each other feedback that’s as honest as possible. If clear communication and careful listening still don’t work in such a conversation, ultimately what my father meant by “those who won’t listen will have to feel the consequences” still holds true.